Here again.

I haven't been at this weight for years. I am over my maximum allowed and even over the previous (even heavier) maximum allowed weight I had set for myself years ago. I am not sure why I have been going down the road I have been. Other than being a bit out of my normal routine, so we have not worked out near as often as we used to, I have just been on this wacky cupcake kick. And as everyone knows, when you are eating healthy foods, you crave healthy foods more. Same is true for garbage. That's all I want. So the post I had a few months ago about thinking I was back....yeah, not so much! As a matter of fact, I went the extreme opposite direction.

I had a meltdown about it last night. I ran a slow 5k and felt like I might die. Felt so bad afterward, I didn't eat dinner because my stomach was upset. Somehow, I weighed more this morning than I did for the past two days. This is the part I hate! Running was so hard last night and I know it is because I have this extra weight to pack around. I'm so tired of saying I am going to get back to my usual self. I gained more this past 6 months than I ever have in that time frame. All I can do is go day by day and make the right decisions every time I am offered a decision to make.

I am in a place I don't want to be in right before the holidays. I am lacking self control big time right now. Even as I type this, while my pants are tight on my thighs and my waistband is cutting into me, all I can think about is eating the rice crispy treat I bought yesterday. For years I have been in a different mental state, where I knew when to leave this stuff alone and I could just do it. I don't know how to get my head back there. I feel like nothing will work. I ran until it hurt last night. I wanted to walk so badly but I pressed on thinking that I would feel or see some small result today. When I woke up feeling even worse and looking worse and then I saw that stupid number on the scale, that was it. I was instantly, mildly depressed.

Then on top of that, when I got to work, I was bombarded with emails about errors I had made on files from when I first moved over here. Granted I did not know the system and the training was horrible (even they admit that,) but it still added to my mood and now here I am on a beautiful Friday feeling like someone just kicked my favorite dog. Worse even. Blah.