Random musings

I didn't know exactly what to write about today because this week has been less than perdy. I choose to look back on it and laugh (mostly) about all the wacky, painful or just plain irritating crapola that took place in my life. Also, as I debated over what to actual type out here, several little random thoughts pinged through my noggin. They are, in no particular order, the following:

a. (I really like the look of a lower case "a" vs an upper case "A" but -oops- that has absolutely nothing to do with my list.) As do most girls, I have a better day when my hair is good. A pencil will help me achieve that if my hair is unruly. I have a blue pencil at work that rarely is used for its intended purpose. Instead, it holds my hair up remarkable well and I am grateful for it.

2. I got my job because my mother was in this line of work. It was supposed to be the job that got me through college but the market was booming, they hurriedly advanced my position, I suddenly made more money than I would as a teacher (which was my major at the time) so I stuck it out. Since, I have often said that the title business is like the mafia. Generally there is some sort of nepotism, although I did start at the (almost) very bottom and did genuinely have to work my way up. Also, once you're in it, there's no getting out. Hence the mafia reference. In the title business, well the escrow side anyway, you work numbers all day long. As advanced as technology has become, I still use my trusty old ten key every day and, because of that I reckon, I prefer the ten key portion of the keyboard rather than the numbers along the top even when I am typing numbers as part of my text. I'm a ten key girl!

Also. I really enjoy sweets. Even though they add padding to my derriere, even though I have a toothache that won't be fixed until Monday, even though I know for sure sugar is bad for my immune system and diabetes runs in my family, I can not make myself stop with the dang sugar. Just talking about it makes me want to eat this Reece's heart that is gently calling my name from the sack on the floor behind my desk.

Finally. It's Stock Show time here in Cowtown, Texas. (I must clarify the Texas part because, as I was made shockingly aware as an adult, other states have towns that claim "Cowtown" as a nickname, too.) My picture above is the same as my bio picture in blogland. It is me leaving the Stock Show two years ago. I love this town, I love the stock show and I love that we are going again tonight and tomorrow to watch the BLM Mustangs perform and then *possibly* purchase one of my very own. It's doubtful that I will find the perfect one that is also young enough to still be trained but the hope remains.

So I bid you adieu. Work to finish on my ten key with my hair twisted and pierced by a blue pencil, sweet snacks to consume, then "it's off again to the rodeo." (Thank you Mr. Green.)

Oh but first, here's a quick recap of the week from aych eee double hockey stix:

AF and I got in an argument. A couple of times.

I proved to myself, yet again, that I just don't listen. Still. (Started the dishwasher on heat with AF's laptop on the counter right above it.)

My tub faucet finally broke and AF had to replace the whole thing which wasted his whole evening yet he did not complain once, but instead, proudly showed me his work and my new, much more beautiful and efficient faucet. (me: it's so pretty. him: who cares how it looks, turn that baby on and see how fast the water comes out now. LOVE HIM)

TOOTH ACHE! And, just so you know, Vicadin pretty much is useless for pain but, according to all the research I have uncovered, it's unbeatable at reducing the life of your liver.

Aaron's TOOTH ACHE! But he's a trooper and just deals with pain like it's a pesky fly instead of the bounding freight train that is my pain.

There is some scary stuff going on in the women's locker room at pretty much every gym. Scary gross! Banging out razors on lockers and naked, sweaty rears directly on the benches. Oh my!

Happy weekend!

~Super Fan Shan

Currently obsessed

So, Aaron had a dentist appointment yesterday, too, it turns out. He had to have a root canal that lasted over two hours. Poor thing. Then, being the Super Man he is, he ran a 24 minute 5k last night. He makes me look bad. But he also gives me strength and inspiration. Then he took care of me while his tooth hurt but he didn't complain. Last night was horrible for me. The tooth problem I have created an infection behind my ear and the nerves that are linked to all of that somehow run up the side of my head. The pain is worse than my motorcycle wreck. Worse. Pain. Ever. No really, ever. But it's over now. I have been on antibiotics for 24 hours now, the inflammation is down and things are really looking up.

Besides tooth, tooth, tooth, the only other thing on my mind is horse, horse, horse. Everywhere I look, there is a horse or a saddle or a parade with horses or a cowboy or something else that reminds me just how much I want to find my horse. I can't wait to meet her.

Aaron is going to Streetman today and taking Brennan with him so he can hang out with his paternal grandparents in Corsicana. Then tomorrow Aaron is going to OKC, which means he won't be home until very late. I don't like it when he's gone but I do get things done. I always plan things to do while he's away so the time goes by faster. If I just sit and watch t.v., the clock ticks by much slower. So I am making an apron for Charity Fredeking tomorrow to fulfill 1/5 of my commitment to make handmade gifts for 5 people this year. I hope to do more than that, but I made the commitment on FB, copying a friend, in hopes that it would keep me accountable for doing it. So far, I made a really cute bag for Charity to accompany her apron. I'll post pictures when they are both finished. Maybe tomorrow night!

Tooth!

It's difficult to see but that tooth on the left has a long crack in it all the way to the root. I have been in enormous pain. Finally, today, I went to the dentist, got a shot of Novocain, some antibiotics and pain medication, along with the bad news that there is no saving this tooth because of the length of the crack. I have been referred to an oral surgeon who will put me under, pull both parts of the broken tooth and then fit me with an implant. Total cost of all of this business....SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! So the search begins immediately for a cheaper life experience.

Worse than that, Aaron & I are not on the same page lately. Well, we are, then we're not, then we are again. All that back and forth is more difficult than not at all, I think. I am eagerly anticipating the moment where we see eye to eye again. I enjoy life much more when that is the case.

Way worse than all of that, my old friend Brandy lost her mother due to a heart attack last night. It was very unexpected. Brandy lives far away from me in Minnesota. I wish so much that I could be there with her every day for a while to comfort her and take care of things for her. She was really close with her mom and I know she will suffer much from this. She also lost her beloved dog of almost 20 years just two weeks ago. It is almost too much for anyone to bear and I feel for her.

Oh Tuesday...wretched wretched Tuesday. It's my least favorite day of the week. Way more so than evil Monday. Bad things always happen on a Tuesday. Always have. I dread Tuesdays.

Maya...or something just like her.

This is my dream horse. Upon first glance, you may not recognize all the amazing qualities that make her perfect and unique. First, her coloring is exactly what I have always wanted; very light buckskin, very dark tail & mane AND cannons, stout chest, slender belly, large face. She's the one!
There are two problems with Maya. #1 - she lives in California & I live in Texas. It is usually very hard on a horse to travel such a long distance and she would have a hard time acclimating to our extreme heat and humidity. #2 - she is a wild Mustang purchased from the Bureau of Land Management and trained for two years. 90% of the time, she is a perfect horse. 10% of the time, the wild side comes out and she bucks people off...including her very experienced trainer. You never know when the wild side will come calling so Aaron has nixed the possibility of getting this perfect horse.
The search continues. I could have a hundred horses. They are for sale for very good prices everywhere I look. But I want the perfect horse for me. Not just some horse. If I am going to take the time to work it, clean it, tend to it, feed it, ride it and it's the only horse I am likely to ever have, I want it to be exactly what I want.
We are going to the BLM Mustang sale this weekend at Will Rogers and maybe there will be a relative of Maya's there for me to purchase who is under 2 years old and still trainable. Fingers crossed. :)

It's COLD!!!!

As much as I can't stand it when people state the obvious, as much as I hate when people complain about things that can not change, even as much as I loathe not being able to find the good in something, I am going to do all of the above. Now.

I HATE THE COLD! I only like cold weather when I am skiing in it, and then only for that week. That is one reason why I choose to continue to live in this wonderful place. Not only do I not like it, I am one of those people who physically can't deal with it. It is painful. It hurts my hands and my fingers do not operate well. It hurts my back. As I type this, my shoulders and neck are drawn up from my muscles being overworked due to the continuous, heat generating spasms they have been forced to do for days now. The cold hinders my mental capacity as well. AND! I just want to sleep. Maybe I am part bear. Really, I am not joking, though. It's been five days now of miserable cold, grey, wet, windy, fierce, horrible cold. It has not warmed above freezing in that time period. Pity it can not be warm every day. Even though I have acknoweldged, and said before, that I would never appreciate the warmth of Summer if not for the bitter Winter. My nephews say, "There is no such thing as cold. There is only absence of heat." Take me to the Sun!!! I am absent of heat! GRRRRRR

Wonderland

People are amazingly creative and I totally dig it.

Side note: Pandora blares in the background and now "Woman" by Wolfmother has rolled onto my Cage the Elephant Radio Station. hmm. This song is one of many that have forever been changed for me thanks to Guitar Hero. I only hear the guitar part now. Only.

We now return you to the (semi...well, not quite) regularly scheduled blog. I wish I were this creative. I wish I had ideas all my own. Occassionally I do but they are not creative in an artsy way. They are only creative in a practical way. For example, latches on gates to prevent escape artist, tiny chickens; supsended train tracks for a friend's Christmas train around her outdoor pine, etc.

But I see creativity expressed in this way and I am always lured in by the uniquity, the colors, the lighting, the scene, the mood. Then I often attempt to plan some sort of party where I could copy this scene practically. The only party that ever ever ever comes to mind (likely because it's the only way I could make these silly urges make any sense,) is a Mad-Hatter party. Wonderland is a marvelous thing and I would give anything if my friends shared my interest in "pretending" like when we were kids. Wouldn't the world be a better place?

Should I shoot up this town hall meeting to get my point across? Heaven's no...I think I'll throw another tea party and insist we all dress like French royalty from 1709 or dress like an animal you might find in the canyons. See? Brilliant! And peaceful. That's why it's pretend.

I am broken

I felt it coming. I have asked for days. It came. I am broken.

My drive

I live in a small town. I work in a small town. I have a lovely drive to and from each. This beats all the traffic mess I used to drive in. Like last night, I was meeting some of the girls for dinner downtown and had forgotten how incredibly crazy traffic was around the metroplex. Took me forever to get there and when I did, a northern had finally blown in and it was definitely Fall, Y'all! It was so fun to run through downtown to the restaurant in my heels and cute sweater over my dress. Movie-esque. Dinner was delicious and the company was better. Oh, how we laughed.

At home I got to snuggle up with my love and some fur-balls to watch tv. It was a nice evening.

It's almost Thanksgiving and we know not what we will be doing. First time ever. I like it.

Ciao for now.

~Shan

Uninspired

Friday I was completely uninspired to blog about anything. I thought for a moment, as I drove out of the office parking lot for lunch, about one thing that I could write about and that I was anxious to write about. It slipped my mind before I got back. I have always liked that phrase, it slipped my mind. It reminds me of my grandmother. I don't recall her ever saying it but I presume it is one she must of said. Never-the-less, it reminds me of her.
Friday night I got things ready for the Haslet Hustle 5k and Aaron had to work late, again. I was very impressed with myself that I got so much done ahead of time. Then I made dinner for us; spaghetti with sausage and lightly toasted bread. Yum. He loved it. That's the goal.
Saturday got up very early, got ready, prepared the fruit for the 5k run, loaded everything up in the truck, put everything out and then set up at the elementary school for our run. It was very cold, which sucked, because it's been unseasonably warm until that morning and then warm again shortly after the run. Punk Mother-Nature. Totally could have been worse, so I guess I am over it. The only things I wish I would have done differently (and hope to remember to do better next year) are: 1. Load the tables, chairs, etc into the truck the night before, & 2. Actually tabulate the winners correctly! Wow! That was embarrassing. Still uncertain where the ball got dropped but since that part is ultimately on me, it is my blame to take.
On a good note, Aaron ran it again and got 2nd in his age group. Also, we had 71 runners this year. A lot less than last year but since it was so cold, I think it was a good turn out.
After the run, I put things away, went to pay storage and then rearranged things so that we could empty one unit all-together. Later, Aaron, Skyler and I went back up there to load up and take the rest to Decatur. Through the weekend they got most of it done but we have one small load left. That night we went to dinner in North Side and I had the best ribs ever at H3. I love being down there. So much so, that we went again the next day with Tracy and Jen to the stock sale at Cowtown Coliseum. It was only bucking stock so that was a bummer. Even though I would love to have a saddle-bronc, Aaron is having none of that.
We left and went to eat an awesome lunch at Gloria's and then had yogurt for dessert. After, Aaron and Skyler took more storage to Decatur and I went back to the sale and then home for the Cowboy game. We won!!! Finally! We're 2 & 7. :( But we won!
Then AF and I went back to North Side for our fave...North Side Tacos. Went to bed early, too. Yea, us!
Monday was crazy! Boring day at work until Marnie got a message from her Dallas Cowboy asking if she wanted to get together for a first date Monday Night Football game. Duh! yep!
So I watched the girls, had pizza, watched football then a movie until she got home on her Cloud 9 float. We're going to the game again Sunday. Yippee!!!!!
Aaron had MUCH drama with his job but it all got quelled and I think he is significantly de-stressed about the situation. We shall see. He worked out again and I didn't so I have even more catching up to do. He is so amazing and inspirational to me. He makes me want to try harder. :)

Happy Veteran's Day!

You see that boy right there next to me? His name is Richie. Or, Clint, which he likes to be called since he became an adult. Even though he's only slightly younger than I am, he'll forever be my lil Richie. He is my oldest nephew; my oldest brother's oldest child. As of two weeks ago, Richie is in Afghanistan and he won't be home until sometime next summer. He's been over there before, too. He wears desert camo, he carries a gun and knows how to fix all kinds of stuff like tanks, hummers & water wells. He is married to a very sweet girl named Amanda and they have two little boys, Eric & Wyatt. The three of them are patiently awaiting his return all alone in Michigan, where I think it is just too cold for humans to live so they must be robots or something. All their family on both sides live pretty far away.

Richie has a great laugh and he is one of the best I have ever seen at starting a campfire. He is adventurous and hard working. He is so fun to play basketball with. He tells incredible stories. He will never leave you hanging and is almost always one of the first ready to help without even being asked. He taught me cool stunts on our bikes when we were kids. He was a cherry picking fool! He taught me how to play Texas Hold 'em. The things he has done and the stories he has told have made me laugh so hard.

One time he drove all the way down to Austin just to see me when I lived there without any family around. One of my fondest memories of him was the first time I saw him after he'd been married and they had a toddling baby. Richie was on all fours with little Eric on his back, playing and making Eric giggle. Then later he changed Eric's diaper. I never thought I'd see that tough guy be so gentle with a child. I remember just staring in amazement at how my little nephew had become a man. A daddy. It brings tears to my eyes. He is a gifted writer and wrote a beautiful tribute to my grandmother when she passed. He is thoughtful, loving and quiet.

We are counting the days until Richie comes home. We are grateful for his sacrifices and for the sacrifices of so many others. We are grateful for our freedoms.

Godspeed, Richie.

My place

And by that, I don't mean barefoot in the kitchen. Ba dum ching. (Aaron would be rolling is eyes right about now.)
Nope, my place is Grand Canyon. I have said this before, and I know it sounds cheesy-cause it is, but it beckons me. No other place does that unless there is a human that I love who just happens to live there, too. So then not the place but the person does the beckoning.
I can just be plowing through my days, haven't given it a thought in a while and then suddenly I am overcome with this feeling to go there. To smell it, to feel the hot sun on me and the rocks, to listen to the wind that sounds different there than any other place I've been, to watch intently for a condor and then take a deep breath when I have found her and just watch her do her gliding dance in the sky. That perfect, deep blue sky. I feel like a part of me is alive only there and after each visit, this special place in my soul is given a refill to last through some more of the roller coaster of life.
I feel like nobody understands it the way I do. Even the people whose books I have read; those that have dedicated large parts of their lives to study/hike/map/live it, I find something amiss with them as well. I am arrogant about it but quietly so. I think I only ever tell Aaron about the wrongness of these others that, maybe, I am a LITTLE bit jealous of, too.
When I hear of someone going all the way there just to stand on the rim, take a few pictures and then visit the gift shop, I think, "you fool!" But then I am instantly satisfied as well because that is one less person who has looked deep inside and found an ounce of what it has to offer to the world. It's one less person who has muddled it up with a chewed piece of gum, a broken branch from their off-the-trail footfall, or stupidly become mad at it for not being all that they had hoped it would be. So by not discovering more of it, they have left more for me.
To me, it is the most beautiful photograph I have ever seen. It is the most relaxed I could ever get. It is the most I have ever pushed myself. It is literally a place where I learned about who I am and what I am made of. Where I have been able to learn to work through pain to achieve my goal. To dream big and do what you set out to do.
I remember when I turned 25 and I wrote in my journal that I had not yet climbed my canyon. Well I am now 36 and I have climbed my canyon. Lots of times. I was with exactly the person in the whole history of the world I would want to be with the very first time my feet were in that awesome brown water at the very bottom of that canyon. I have watched the faces of people I adore as they stared upon its beauty for the first time. That melts my heart! The stars are better, the sunsets are better, the sand smells better, everything is better when I am there. It has stirred more music, lyrics and poetry within me and been my inspiration more so than anything but that man I love.
Now, I am going to put pencil to paper and decide when I can go again. It will not be soon enough.

What he does.

I know this picture is so gross. I took it at the breakfast bar of a hotel this weekend where we met our friends before we went to our friend's dad's funeral. I had never seen one before and I was instantly in love. I just got a fabulous recipe for french toast that you grill in the waffle maker, too, so yeah-perfect timing!
What I didn't know was that Mr. Ferrell was instantly on ebay via iphone and he bought me one on the spot!!!! He didn't tell me until after the funeral. So sweet. Then, later that night, we went to dinner and on the way downtown he told me that I had very good taste. He was initially speaking of the type of horse I want that we have been pouring over the internet for and can't find. But then he said he thought I had good taste in everything; the way I dress, the way I decorate our house for everyday and then for holidays. He said I have style. I felt so good. That was so wonderful to hear from him. You have no idea how it made my day! Week! Year!
Also, about a month ago I was reading someone's post who talked about the beauty of being loved for just who you are. I feel loved every day. I feel very grateful for the way he shows love to me...and for the ways other friends show love to me. I do feel loved. But, almost like he was reading my mind that night when I got home, he was talking about a mistake I had made and he said that he wouldn't have me any other way. That he loves me just as I am and he really likes the quirky part of me that makes mistakes. It feels so good to know, to have someone actually tell you, that you are wonderful to them and they love you because of everything about you, not in spite of.
I'm here to tell you that this man & I have been through some tough stuff together. Sometimes, I am amazed that we were able to stick it out. I am so glad we did because I have never seen him the way I see him now. I thought I loved him more than I ever could in the beginning of our relationship. I was wrong. I love him so much more now. I understand him so much more now. I find peace and beauty in so much more now. I still have my hang-ups (and they are mine, not his,) and I still wonder sometimes if we make the right decisions about things. But I love him so much and I am over the moon about how he makes me feel. He makes me feel like the universe is ours again. Like it felt when he swept me off my feet and asked me to go through this journey with him.
Summer would never be so welcome and wonderful if you never knew the long, cold winter.
I save my gushings for him usually. I don't post it on facebook. I don't brag to all my friends. But today I am saying it for everyone to hear. I love Aaron!!!! Life is more beautiful when there is love.

Here again.

I haven't been at this weight for years. I am over my maximum allowed and even over the previous (even heavier) maximum allowed weight I had set for myself years ago. I am not sure why I have been going down the road I have been. Other than being a bit out of my normal routine, so we have not worked out near as often as we used to, I have just been on this wacky cupcake kick. And as everyone knows, when you are eating healthy foods, you crave healthy foods more. Same is true for garbage. That's all I want. So the post I had a few months ago about thinking I was back....yeah, not so much! As a matter of fact, I went the extreme opposite direction.

I had a meltdown about it last night. I ran a slow 5k and felt like I might die. Felt so bad afterward, I didn't eat dinner because my stomach was upset. Somehow, I weighed more this morning than I did for the past two days. This is the part I hate! Running was so hard last night and I know it is because I have this extra weight to pack around. I'm so tired of saying I am going to get back to my usual self. I gained more this past 6 months than I ever have in that time frame. All I can do is go day by day and make the right decisions every time I am offered a decision to make.

I am in a place I don't want to be in right before the holidays. I am lacking self control big time right now. Even as I type this, while my pants are tight on my thighs and my waistband is cutting into me, all I can think about is eating the rice crispy treat I bought yesterday. For years I have been in a different mental state, where I knew when to leave this stuff alone and I could just do it. I don't know how to get my head back there. I feel like nothing will work. I ran until it hurt last night. I wanted to walk so badly but I pressed on thinking that I would feel or see some small result today. When I woke up feeling even worse and looking worse and then I saw that stupid number on the scale, that was it. I was instantly, mildly depressed.

Then on top of that, when I got to work, I was bombarded with emails about errors I had made on files from when I first moved over here. Granted I did not know the system and the training was horrible (even they admit that,) but it still added to my mood and now here I am on a beautiful Friday feeling like someone just kicked my favorite dog. Worse even. Blah.

Did that just happen?

So basically I was floored when I opened the door one morning and October showed up. People say it all the time but truly, time flies. I wasn't prepared for October and to prove it, my husband just complained yesterday about how he had to get evil with some clients on billing because they had not paid since May and it really took me a minute to figure out that May was quite a while ago. The moment before that realization I was questioning why he was so mad about past due from May since that was only 15 -wait!- 153 days ago. Ok, he can be mad.

Even more troubling is that now October has already packed its bags and hit the road for another year. I was very sad on November 1st because I hadn't even settled in with my beloved Halloween decorations and already it is time for them to collect dust in the opossum's attic.


Here is a brief update of what went on in my life in October. It was a really cool month, by the way. I enjoyed every fleeting moment of it. Really I did!






I got my hair done for the fist time in months. I love it! My friend April does my hair. I say that like I've known her forever and she just does my hair, too. I met her when I was in a panic for a new do and my usual girl, who is an hour drive away anyway, was always full up. So April became my new girl and she just started at a new salon in Old Town Keller in an updated, super cute, old house. They took old doors and put mirrors on them and I loved it! I have some old doors that Mr. Ferrell and I bought a long time ago and haven't figured out what to do with. Now we have an idea for one of them. Yea, us! April trimmed me, high-lighted me and gave me some kerotine treatment to take the frizz out (it totally worked) and now I am looking good!

I spent a lot of time watching Mr. Ferrell do things in October like, help build our new horse fence, work on computers, win a race in his stock car, and play with the fake bow and arrow from my Halloween costume. I was the wicked witch of the wild west. I love his butt and his flat stomach and his bicep all perked up and his chest but he had just moved his arm up right before I took this picture. Bummer! Aaron Ferrell...he's so cuuute! (If you were a Family Ties fan, you get the reference.)

Also, that dude I live with drove me all around the neighboring counties looking for giant pumpkins for sale to compare his giant pumpkins' growth. He wins! I always enjoy being the passenger and getting to look at all the beautiful trees, animals and clouds as we cruise along. I especially loved this set of clouds and felt very poetic as I watched them.

I got to meet Demarcus Ware (my favorite Cowboy) and Miles Austin and Tashard Choice at a breast cancer awareness event. Then my bud Marnie and I got awesome seats to the Monday Night game!!!!! We had a blast even though we lost. I love that she makes the best of things no matter what! Love love love her!

More amazing than all of that is that the Texas Rangers won the American League Championship against the Yankees and went to the WORLD SERIES!!!!! October 22, 2010 was one of my top 100 best days! This is an amazing team; an awesome group of guys and I am so proud of them! Yea Rangers!

Then to polish off the month, we had our annual Halloween party, Ferrell Fest! My niece, Alex, came in to town and a bunch of our friends and family (71 of them) came over to celebrate with us. Aaron took everyone on haunted hay rides, we had an awesome bounce house from my friend, Travis and of course a dj since the band thing is not working out too well. The food was great, the costumes were awesome and we had a fabulous time! Even better, Sunday was actually Halloween so we got to celebrate some more. Aaron took our neighborhood kids around on with the tractor on another hay ride so they could trick-or-treat and I stayed home to hand out candy at Spooky Ferrell Hollow. We really do go all out for this holiday and we have so much fun with it.

It's officially Fall round these parts. I'm a Summer lover so I have to make some adjustments to enjoy this time of year. Mostly just bundling up and making sure that there are extra sweaters everywhere, like in my truck, his truck, my office, everywhere! It's waaaay below 70 degrees here now and I am freezing!

Happy Fall y'all!

~Shan