Here again.

I haven't been at this weight for years. I am over my maximum allowed and even over the previous (even heavier) maximum allowed weight I had set for myself years ago. I am not sure why I have been going down the road I have been. Other than being a bit out of my normal routine, so we have not worked out near as often as we used to, I have just been on this wacky cupcake kick. And as everyone knows, when you are eating healthy foods, you crave healthy foods more. Same is true for garbage. That's all I want. So the post I had a few months ago about thinking I was back....yeah, not so much! As a matter of fact, I went the extreme opposite direction.

I had a meltdown about it last night. I ran a slow 5k and felt like I might die. Felt so bad afterward, I didn't eat dinner because my stomach was upset. Somehow, I weighed more this morning than I did for the past two days. This is the part I hate! Running was so hard last night and I know it is because I have this extra weight to pack around. I'm so tired of saying I am going to get back to my usual self. I gained more this past 6 months than I ever have in that time frame. All I can do is go day by day and make the right decisions every time I am offered a decision to make.

I am in a place I don't want to be in right before the holidays. I am lacking self control big time right now. Even as I type this, while my pants are tight on my thighs and my waistband is cutting into me, all I can think about is eating the rice crispy treat I bought yesterday. For years I have been in a different mental state, where I knew when to leave this stuff alone and I could just do it. I don't know how to get my head back there. I feel like nothing will work. I ran until it hurt last night. I wanted to walk so badly but I pressed on thinking that I would feel or see some small result today. When I woke up feeling even worse and looking worse and then I saw that stupid number on the scale, that was it. I was instantly, mildly depressed.

Then on top of that, when I got to work, I was bombarded with emails about errors I had made on files from when I first moved over here. Granted I did not know the system and the training was horrible (even they admit that,) but it still added to my mood and now here I am on a beautiful Friday feeling like someone just kicked my favorite dog. Worse even. Blah.

I think, *I think,* I might be back in the zone.

So yesterday was far from productive at work. However! I ran 38 minutes last night after a park board meeting that was successful. I ran outside, in the 98 degree heat, after the sun went down, while listening to Weezer Radio on Pandora. After my run, I felt awesome! Better than I have after a run in a while. Tuesday night I ran 45 minutes at the gym and Monday night I ran 30 minutes at the gym. I dropped the two pounds I gained on my trip already. So I am .8 of a pound away from my maximum weight allowance which is pretty good considering I have been so lazy about working out all summer. Once I am back under my maximum allowance I will be happier and then I can focus on getting back to my goal, which is 10.8 pounds less than I am now. It used to be 16.8 pounds less than I am now, but I got there last year for a few months and everyone kept asking me if I was ok and constantly telling me to eat. Looking back at pix, I think they may have been right. So the 10.8 pounds less was a very good weight to be. Super thin, but not scarily so. That's the goal. But first, to get under the maximum. I think I need two, maybe three more days to do it safely. I'm back, Baby!

This pic is me at the goal weight 16 months ago. I was lifting, too, so the arms were fairly shapely. Glad I have this pic for reference. :)
Also! Aaron's pumpkins are looking so great! Marnie got a new car yesterday and it's really nice. The Sceamers are working on their house again, re-doing something on the living room. I am anxious to start doing little clean up/fix up projects around our house. The Halloween party is always a goal to get those types of things done. We are 79 days away from that so I need to get busy!

Run!

So I missed yesterday. Oh well. At least I ran for the first time in about 9 or 10 days but forgot to drink extra water so awoke with a major horrible heaadache that also caused a sick stomach at 3 ish in the a.m. Yuck! But at least I ran! Having Alex here is so wonderful and I wish she could stay forever, just be my kid, but I have gotten out of the normal routine. I need to find a way to make it jive so she's not bored sitting around while I run. What to do, what to do.
Aaron is so nice to me I just can't believe it. Skyler turned 16 today and we went to the screamers' for cake. Aaron worked in the garden and I went on the golf cart with Skyler, Hunter and Alex. We saw Roseanna and then went home, took a shower and fell asleep on the couch. Aaron tried to scare us by putting "The Ring" in the dvd player while we had fallen asleep so we woke up to a scary movie. It was kinda creepy. Funny thing is, he's been consumed by this one plant in the garden that we did not plant but is likely a left over seed from something that was planted last year. He thinks it's a watermelon and I think he's silly for thinking that. So last night I snuck out to the garden and placed this giant watermelon I bought under the vines for him to find. We played tricks on each other yesterday but he still does not know it. :)
Later!